The Video Game Graveyard
by Zach Archer
Summary: James works at the Video Game Graveyard, where excitement happens every day. He dates the bunny lady Cream, and he gets into all kinds of trouble in a city full of video game characters. New Chapters almost every day.
1. Chapter 1: Sonic the Hedgehog

My names James Crawford and my life has been anything but great. First I decide to drop out of my first year of High School cuz' the work was too tough for me, plus I needed more time to enjoy my favorite video games, based on my favorite heroes. One of those heroes was Sonic the Hedgehog, and as I staked out in my parents basement for ten years, waiting for them to tell me to get a job, I would enjoy the latest adventures of Sonic and his pals. But now, my hero has died a painful, painful death.

Thanks to my love for video games, and my minimum job options, I work now at the Video Game Graveyard, where every video game character eventually goes to rest in peace. I am here to relate my stories to you.

**THE VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD  
EPISODE 1: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG**

It was about eight in the morning when my boss came to me and handed me a shovel. He told me to dig up an area about three and a half by three foot. I wondered who we were burying, a leprechaun?

I did so, took about half the day. It was two by the time I was able to sit on a gravestone for Cortana and drink some Mountain Dew Game Fuel, or whatever that bullcrap is. Eventually, I am sure the horde will need some graves dug up to. Maybe I should dump all the rest of that crappy soda on top of their coffins.

I went to my boss's office and he showed me video of my childhood hero, Sonic the Hedgehog, running through the city, escaping the army. They had been blaming him lately for the faster rotation of the Earth, though that seems somewhat improbable.

The video caught him run a block, before falling to his ass. That's when I noticed the spike strip laid out on the street by police. Sonic grabbed at both his feet and screamed. A large gash on both feet, bloodier than anything I'd ever seen, seemingly divided each foot in two.

By this point, I was done crying and was wondering why Eggman never thought to put out a spike strip. He put out spikes that came out of the ground, then down into the Earth, but those were huge and easy to see and jump over. And then there were the ones he put in place, but those were huge and easy to see and jump over.

Why the hell didn't he think of putting a bloody spike strip down? It can stop a car, it can stop Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sonic died from blood loss, and his final words were "What the fuck?".

It was about seven at night when a procession appeared outside the cemetery gates. It was basically a biplane piloted by Tails the Fox, along with a bunch of other characters Sonic had met over the past couple years. They were all crying, except for Knuckles and Shadow, who were to busy making out with Rouge and Amy respectively. Rouge and Amy's tears probably were because of the fact their boy friends were missing protrusions (except for their tails, but you catch my drift).

So, the body had been placed in a nice, granite coffin and they also had brought a marker for the grave (kind of like they knew this was going to happen…). I helped the little people haul the coffin (they were small, they couldn't handle it well). I then placed it in the grave. Instead of a priest, they brought some Echidna like knuckles, Tikal I guess her name was. She was weird, and I couldn't listen to the prayers because they were so nonsensical, like she belonged to some kind of cult surrounding these emeralds.

Next thing I know, they are all crying and throwing rings in. I wondered why. I asked, but they were too busy being emo animals to tell me. So I ended up kicking Tails in the ass (which is apparently sexual, so I fought some alligator guy and kicked his ass then got my answer). They needed to throw in 100 rings for an extra life. My childhood rushed back to me.

"Why didn't you do that instead of bringing him here?" I asked.

"Because we want to have a big laugh about it when he is screaming because we thought he was really dead!" Tails replied. Everyone quit crying and started laughing hysterically. I thought I was missing something.

They threw in 99 rings, and then started yelling at Cream the bunny thing.

"You forgot a ring you stupid idiot bunny! Go to hell idiot!"

The bunny started crying, and I felt bad, and also was wondering what a bunny actually felt like in bed. I thought, hell, can't get laid by actual women, let's go with this bunny woman half my size.

So I gave her my ring that came free with the anniversary issue of Playboy, and Sonic awoke from the dead. That night, I showed Cream how it works, and after finishing and getting rope burn all over my body (Lesson: Though fur may be soft, grinding against it too much will burn you like hell), I learned she was seven, and I also learned that that didn't make me a felon for underage sex, because in bunny years, she was fourty three.

Sonic came by yesterday and thanked me for giving him the final ring. He apparently broke up with Amy after finding out about her and Shadow and now goes out with Cream. He says I'm lucky I got a piece of that bunny, because that's the best tasting bunny on the planet.

I didn't ask him about the tasting part, I was wondering how I was going to explain this to my boss (Who saw myself and Creams little party on a video camera).

NEXT TIME: Duke Nukem dies, and I am tasked to dig him a grave, and hide his super awesome alien gun from the government!


	2. Chapter 2: Duke Nukem

It was a week after the Sonic incident and I was bored. It was quiet since my boss learned of my sexual tastes (animal people half my size). I didn't have much to do, so usually sat with some old, rotting Tom Clancy book.

It was six days after the Sonic incident that I got a call from Cream. She was crying, sniffling. She explained that Sonic had beat her, punched her in the face, and that she wanted to move into my apartment with me. I told her my address and then hung up.

I went back that night and found her on my bed watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

"Hi James." She said, tears cascading gently down her cheeks.

"Hi Cream." I replied. I pulled off my shirt, revealing my six pack. She looked at me longingly.

I went into the bathroom and pulled off my pants. She was standing in the doorway as I did so and I looked back at her.

"Wait till after my shower. Kay?" She nodded and I took a hot shower.

After that, I lay with her, watching America's Got Talent. We then did it.

Once again, I was experiencing that burning, but it felt so good. She was powerful. Her mouth could suck your guts out and her tongue was like a third arm.

We finished, and I was sweating profusely, gasping for breath. That's when my parents called.

"Crap!" I yelled, lunging for the phone.

"Hi mom." I said.

"This is your father idiot." Came the reply.

"Sorry." I was still gasping.

"Son, are you masterbating? You seem to be breathing heavily."

"No dad! How could you…no! I was having sex with my girlfriend."

"Oh my god. Martha, James is finally boning a women instead of his palm!"

I heard plates drop in the background. "Halelujah!"

I hung up.

"Parents." I laughed at Cream. She laughed too.

**THE VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD  
EPISODE 2: DUKE NUKEM**

It was good to finally have a girlfriend, for my parents to finally be happy for me. I went to work as cheery as ever, which, as cheery people always did, pissed off my boss. Well, he was the owner of a graveyard, I guess I couldn't expect him to be happy.

My boss told me we had a new guy getting entered into the cemetary, but that I had a different job than usual. I still had to dig a grave, but I would not have to help put the coffin into that grave, I would instead be transporting something. He wouldn't tell me what, he said it was top secret.

I dug the grave, and ended up sitting down with Patriot Games and Mountain Dew Game Fuel. I don't know why I keep drinking the crap, all it is is sugar water. Yet I still did.

After a couple hours, a small procession of two people appeared, each hefting a large coffin on one of their shoulders. I went to help, but the one on the left pushed me away. I fell to my ass.

The two set the coffin down next to the grave and opened it. Inside was the body of a bulky man wearing sunglasses. Atop his chest was a large briefcase. One of the men pulled it out and handed it to me.

"Take this to a safe place of your choosing."

I took the briefcase and tried to open it, but was bitch slapped in response. The man had slapped me!

"Do not open it. You will face death if you do."

"But how do you know if I do?" I asked.  
"Good question." The man responded. "Just don't open it."

"O.K."

So, I went to my small, rusty car and drove back home. Cream was drinking a glass of milk. I showed her the briefcase, and then told her we should open it and see what was inside. She set her milk on the bedside table (My apartment consists of my bedroom, a small kitchen, and a bathroom. I eat, sleep, read, watch T.V, read the paper, and do everything in my bedroom).

We each pulled one of the two clasps from it's side opening, and then threw it open. Inside lay a gun. A gun that was full of lightning. A gun that was full of lightning and painted with naked women. It had a card sitting underneath it.  
**DUKE NUKEM  
KICKIN' ALIEN ASS FOR TEN YEARS**

I laughed. Might be able to use this gun someday. I shut the briefcase and threw it under my bed. I then called my boss, who told me he didn't need me the rest of the day. I decided to take Cream out to eat.

**NEXT TIME: **I go out to eat with Cream, but we end up running into some guy named Niko, who hold the place up. We decide it is time to fight back! Will Cream and I be able to place Niko in the video game graveyard before he blows us all up because we did not give him our hamburgers?


	3. Chapter 3: Niko Bellic Strikes

It was about six in the evening. The sun was setting down here in the city, the tall buildings of downtown glinting beautifully. I threw on some decent clothes, a pair of black pants and a Hawaiian shirt, and then Cream threw on her best dress. I didn't know where to take her. My job payed all right, but not good enough to take her to the steak house. I could take her to the buffet. No, I didn't want to show her how much I could eat, she would be sick after she saw me eat ten eggrolls in five minutes and washed it down with four beers.

I grabbed a book off of my bookshelf, The Best Places To Eat. It was from last year, apparently the publishers had gone out of business this year before printing a new copy, but it was still helpful. I found a somewhat cheap place for a burger. It was called Cooking Mama's Tasty House of Taste (Whatever the fuck that meant). It had cheap burgers, cheap beers. Cheap everything.

Cream held my hand as we went to my old, rusty piece of junk car. I opened the passenger door for her, and then shut it when she got in. I needed to buy her a baby seat, she was too small to be sitting in the seat like she was. I got into the driver chair and we took off.

**THE VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD EPISODE 3: NIKO BELLIC STRIKES**

It is alright in this city to bring along animal/human things, as long as they are tamed and speak perfect English. The city is not too strict on having various types of odd pets either. The whole city is pretty weird, I am probably the most normal person in the populace, even if I was dating a bunny person.

I drove past a couple odd balls, but I usually do. I've learned to accept that. Living in a city like this, it's hard not to accept it.

The place was pretty busy. The patio outside was full of twenty-somethings drinking like mad men. I would have joined them, but I didn't need Cream to see me drunk. I do wierd things when I'm drunk (Chris's asshole has never been the same…).

I went inside, holding Cream's arm. There was a small brass post with a sign attached that said "Please Seat Yourself". We went to a booth next to a window. The waiter's were rather fast and we ordered our drinks.

"A beer." I said.

"Milk." Cream said.

That's so cute, I thought. She's 43 years old in bunny years, but thinks she is still seven.

By the time we ordered and got our food, I knew something bad was going to happen. Some balding asshole was outside the window, beating people up with a baseball bat. I could hear the cracks as the bat hit the heads of old men, old women, and even a little boy holding a balloon.

I ate half of my hamburger (I was kind of drunk, and didn't give a rat's ass at the moment). Cream was too busy staring at me to worry about the guy randomly beating people up outside.

The guy ended up coming into the place, guns blazing. He shot three people in the head, their brains splattering across everything. He then took his baseball bat and started hitting people trying to escape. Cream was crying, hiding underneath the table. I tried to stand and fight the guy, but being kind of drunk (three beers did not make me that drunk, but another two and I'd probably be throwing up all over the place), I waddled and was off balance.

I fell to the ground, right as the man yelled "Give me all the money!"

Cream crawled toward me. "You shouldn't have been drinking so much!"

"What foo sayin'? I ale right." I tried to get up, but ended up falling on my face again.

"SPECIAL POWER: SUCKING MOUTH VACUUM!" Cream started making out with me. Suddenly, my guts felt like they were being sucked up. Cream's special power was sucking stuff out of people! No wonder she was such a great kisser! All the beer was suddenly being sucked into her mouth (kind of gross) and after I felt dryer than a desert, she passed out.

"CREAM!" I screamed.

"I's took bare out o' ya!" Cream said. I hugged her.

"I'm going to fight the crazy man, you be good like a nice little drunk bunny."

"Oclay!" She said.

I got up and ran toward the check out desk. The man held the baseball bat at the cashiers throat. I kicked the man in the stomach, then grabbed the baseball bat and yanked it from his arm. He was about to pull out his gun, but I smashed his hand with the bat.

"You fucking American asshole!" Said the man. He sounded foreign. I heard sirens. The police. I ran to Cream and grabbed her limp body. I then threw the bat through the booth window. I jumped through it and run to the car. Cream was fast asleep.

My car had two dead bodies in front of it, blood was flowing around my tires. I threw Cream in the back and then started the car up. I tried to drive away, but that asshole foreigner was threatening a taxi driver. The driver got out and ran away, and the foreigner drove after me.

I accelerated. I needed to get the hell out of there, and fast. I had to meet with the police. I had to hide behind them as they took out this crazy guy.

I heard shots behind me and the back window shattered. All the glass either skated from the back of the car to the street, or onto Cream.

"DAMMIT!" I screamed. The cops were five blocks ahead.

Suddenly, one of my wheels popped, and I felt the car fall a bit on the left, back side. I heard grinding, and saw a shower of sparks out of the rear view mirror.

"Oh crap…not good." The car was slowing down, and the taxi was suddenly right beside me. I saw the foreigner aim his gun at me.

"Fuck you." I said. I drove into the taxi, and then opened my glove compartment. Inside was a metal compass, my only weapon. I threw it at the guy's face. The guy yelped. I apparently cracked his head open a little.

As he was distracted, I drove forward a bit more. The cops were one block ahead.

Suddenly, the man jumped out of the taxi and it rammed right into a cop, head on.

The man shot at everything. Windshields exploded into showers of glass, heads exploded, blood flew.

"NIKO BELLIC SHALL KILL YOU ALL!" The foreigner, Niko, yelled.

I stopped the car and got out, grabbing Cream from the back. I then hid behind a cop car.

"Can you get him?" I asked a cop.

"Yup. Already blew his knee out."

I looked over the car. The man was writhing in pain on the middle of the road. And a car was coming.

"CURSE YOU AMERICA!" He screamed as he was run over, his guts squeezing out through his mouth like he was some sort of toothpaste container.

"He'll be back. He always is." The cop muttered.  
"How?" I ask.

"Somehow, he always gets back to the emergency room and gets revived. Never can send the bastard to the Video Game Graveyard."

"Oh."

"Well, we'll take you and the bunny home. What happened to the bunny?"

"She got a little drunk." I answered.

The cop shook his head. "We'll have a tow truck take your car to the repair shop. So, where do you live?"

NEXT TIME: My parents want to meet my new girlfriend, but how the hell can I show them I am doing it with a bunny rabbit? Then, all hell breaks loose when I get taken into custody by Fourth Echelon, the secret organization that secretly protects us all from the threats of evil!


	4. Chapter 4: Fourth Echelon

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" My dad asked as I walked through the door into his large ranch house. Cream was somewhat scared, she knew my parents weren't going to like her as my girlfriend, maybe as a pet.

"I goddam hope that's your pet hybrid bunny!" My father pointed his finger accusingly at me. My mom was to busy in the kitchen finishing dinner to hear our little exchange.

"No dad, I've screwed her more times than you have probably screwed mom." I replied, smirking and holding back laughter.

My father's face got red, whether anger or embarrassment I didn't know.

"Your one creepy guy." My father turned around and walked into the dining room.

**THE VIDEO GAME GRAVEYARD  
EPISODE 4: FOURTH ECHELON**

Dinner consisted of steak and baked potatoes, along with all kinds of other random stuff. Me and my father sat across from each other, our eyes locked the whole meal. I didn't look down to see if I was actually poking a morsel of food, I just picked at whatever was down there, and put it in my mouth. We would also have some kind of contest, where he started drinking beers really fast. I decided to take him up on the silent contest. I drank mine, then motioned for mom to get me another. We fought so much she ended up bringing over the whole package of 24 bottles and setting it on the table.

Cream drank milk and engaged with pleasant conversation with my mother, who really could give a shit less. She enjoyed the company of Cream apparently, she seemed much happier with her around.

It was during dessert that I was suddenly taken from the dinner table by some kind of black blurs. I was kind of drunk, and so was dad. We had been having a conversation mostly made up of slurred words and throwing up. I guess it was better than having not talked at all.

The black blurs had apparently broken through the dining room window and taken me. Cream was left behind and I yelled for her.

"CLEEM!" I threw up after saying that, all over the guy in black. He screamed an obscenity out and then threw me into a helicopter in the middle of the road.

Before I passed out, I heard one of the three black blurs that had taken me saying "Target Procured".

I would awaken twelve hours later in a daze. I was sitting in a wooden chair, my hands tied behind my back, my feet tied together. There were two people staring at me. One was old and balding. The other was old and bald and black.

"James Crawford, my name is Lambert." The black guy said.

"Like Adam Lambert?" I asked.

"He's my wife."

"Oh." I nodded. I think I was still being affected by the alcohol.

"His name is Sam Fisher." Lambert said, nodding at the old, balding guy.

"Like Fisher Price?" I asked.

"Quit being funny." Sam said, and slapped me like I was his hoe.

"Quit it Sam, we need this guy. James, we are allowing you to be a contact of ours. We saw your exploits, how you stopped Niko Bellic. We would love to have you as an inside contact."

"How am I inside?" I asked.

"The Video Game Graveyard." Lambert answered. "Being there you see a lot of video game characters, and our company, Fourth Echelon, is the governments way of keeping the peace between video game, and real world. We need you James to help us keep the world safe from evil video games."

"You kidnapped me for this bullshit?" I asked. "You tied me up for this bullshit?"

"We tied you up so we could easily shoot you if you refuse." Sam pulled a pistol from a holster at his hip.

"Blackmail? I knew the government were corrupt, but killing innocents because they refuse to join their organizations?"

"Top secret organizations." Lamert added on. "We told you about Fourth Echelon, if you tell anyone about us, we would be blown and we would probably all be killed by video game villains. Join us, we will give you money for helping us..."

"Okay." I butted in.

"Okay what?" Lambert asked.

"You give me money, a gun, and a lifetime supply of beer and Trojans, and I'll be fine."

"We can't provide all that!" Lambert said. "Money, yes. A gun, yes. Beer, yes. But where the hell are we supposed to find Trojans, they aren't around anymore!"

"Not those kind you fucking idiot!" I was smacked across the head by the butt of Sam's gun.

I cried out and then laughed. "I swear to god if you do that again I will fucking rip your head off your body and use it as a bowling ball. I mean Trojan Condoms."

"Oh." Lambert laughed. "Duh. Sorry, I don't ever use them."

"Ew..." I muttered.

"Fine, you accept?"

"Yes."

"Good. We'll take you home and everything you wanted will be in your apartment by the time you wake up."

Sam lifted the gun again. "Oh this is completely un-fucking-neccesary..."

Those were my last words before I was smacked in the head again, and knocked out.

NEXT TIME: When a dimensional rift is opened by a crazy scientist, the World of Warcraft is suddenly open for anyone to go into, or out of. When all the souls of those lost start coming into the Video Game Graveyard, how can I stop them from finding their bodies and being reborn? And also, how the hell can I explain how the World of Warcraft is the afterlife? Find out next episode.


End file.
